The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. – John 10:10
We arrived at the hospital in Portland disoriented and afraid. We had just figured out our life and routine at the hospital in Eugene. We were familiar with the doctors and some of the nurses. We knew our route to the hospital without Google Maps and knew the quickest places to eat so we could be with Sophie as much as possible. We had even become somewhat comfortable in their NICU, which had private rooms equipped with their own sinks, breast pumps, fridges for breast milk, blanket warmers, and recliners. However, now we faced not only the uncertainty of our daughter’s condition but also the unfamiliarity of a new city and hospital with different procedures, environment, and staff.
We walked anxiously into the NICU in Portland wondering how Sophie was doing. They told us she was in Pod 3 and after going through the NICU rituals of signing in, getting name tags, and washing our hands we stepped into a long hallway. This hallway was lined with several open rooms with four babies and two nurses per room. We rushed down the hallway to the sound of crying babies and beeping machines until we found Pod 3. It was full of people; 3 other babies plus their parents, some doctors, nurses, and other relatives.
And then there was our sweet baby girl, all alone, sleeping and hooked up to a few more machines and medicines than the last time we saw her.
We stood there at her bedside holding back tears as we whispered to her that we were there now and that we loved her. After a few minutes the doctors arrived to ask us questions about Sophie and update us on her condition.
“Your daughter is in stable condition and the medicine she was given has opened up her PDA so it looks like she will have some time to grow before surgery,” the doctors said. Although still overwhelmed we felt a touch of relief. They weren’t sure when the surgery would be. Sophie weighed around 4 lbs and they wanted her to be at least 5 1/2 lbs. However, it would also depend on how her body held up. They wanted her to be in the best condition possible for surgery so only time would tell. They informed us that because of the coarctation they would only be giving her small amounts of breast milk so that the blood that did reach her lower body wouldn’t go to her gut to help digest food. She would be given lipids and TPN to help her grow faster. With this goal in mind trying oral feeds, breast or bottle, would be kept to a minimum so that she did not burn too many calories. (We would later find that because of the side effects of the medicine and the coarctation Sophie would be too tired to try oral feedings anyways.)
For the next few weeks we lived in limbo as we waited on a surgery date. We found a place to stay at a Ronald McDonald House about 10 minutes away from the hospital and spent everyday in the NICU with Sophie. Each day we arrived we would have to wait for the nurse’s approval and for her to get us chairs, pillows, and screens for privacy before we could hold Sophie. Sometimes this could take up to an hour. We longed to be a part of taking care of our daughter but felt helpless. Some of the highlights in our day were doing Sophie’s “cares” every 3 hours, which consisted of taking her temperature and changing her diaper before she was fed, and calling the night shift nurse to find out if Sophie had gained any weight.
“Why would God make her with these problems?” I asked Joshua one night as we were driving back to the Ronald McDonald House. “I prayed for her while she was in my belly that she would be healthy. There are people who don’t even believe in God who have healthy babies. God says in his Word that he knits us together in our mothers’ wombs. So what happened? Did he take a break? God made her this way. It’s up to him to fix her.”
Even as I was speaking I felt in my spirit that something was wrong with my mindset. How could I believe that God had the type of character to make an innocent baby endure such problems and pain and then have faith in him to pray for her healing? It just didn’t make sense…
“Sophie’s condition is not from God, but is a result of sin in the world,” Joshua said. A statement I myself had made several times before to girls at our school to explain the reason for pain and suffering. Now here I was having to decide if I truly believed what I said as I endured one of those situations. Is this from God or is God love (1 John 4:8)? Does he really only have good things for us and our daughter (Jer. 29:11)? Has he come to give us a more abundant life (John 10:10)? If so, what is going on??
A few days later we found a sermon on Podcast by Todd White. He was talking with a waitress at a restaurant who’s dad had died of cancer. The young lady told him that she was so mad at God for taking her dad but now she was learning that God is sovereign. Todd asks her, “If I had in one hand the thief that comes to steal, to kill, and to destroy and life, life more abundantly in this hand (John 10:10), where would your dad dying of cancer fall ?” He goes on to say that Satan came in and hit her dad hoping that the ripple affect would destroy her whole family. Satan gets away like a snake in the grass while God takes the rap. We may say God is good and sovereign to reason a situation because that is what we have been taught. However, what happens when Satan comes back and hits us over and over again and we continue to believe that it is God who is making these things happen?
This sermon brought peace to some of the confusion in my heart. Sophie’s situation was not caused by God. However, he is sovereign so why is he allowing this? That is the question I may never have a clear answer to. I do know though that God is working for our good according to his purpose (Romans 8:28) and that we don’t have to live as victims of this situation. Yes, it feels almost impossible but each moment of the day we can choose to live in the promises He has given us in his Word.
We were grateful for this revelation and would try to apply it as we filled our next two weeks in the NICU with kangaroo care cuddles, kisses, prayers, and praise while we waited on our little Wead to grow.
Weading Out the Truth 
Beautiful.